St. Oboe's Passion...

After some weeks away, AGAIN... I am back. I am always thinking of these great ideas and topics that I am going to blog about, especially as I am driving because I have sooo much time in the car. However, when it comes down to getting home and actually blogging, it is pretty darn difficult when I have the choice between dinner and my bed and the computer screen.

This past weekend I had the great pleasure of playing St. Matthew's Passion with the Southern Nevada Musical Arts Society. I was really looking forward to this project as it is a pretty huge piece for the two obbligato oboe\oboe d'amore\oboe da caccia parts. I was assigned to play the second obbligato part with Stephen Caplan playing first, a great chance to play with a talented and seasoned oboe professional and a great learning experience indeed.

This project reminded me how athletic it can be to be a professional musician. We have to take such good care of our bodies and minds in order to pull off a 3 hour long performance like this one. I struggled at times with the endurance needed not only physically, but the concentration that I needed mentally. It was a great experience that I feel thankful to have and although it was stressful, there were aspects of the performance that I did manage to enjoy.

One big accomplishment that I will own up to is that I did this performance totally naturally. By this, I mean that I didn't take beta blockers or any type of medication to prepare for this concert. Performance anxiety has always been a monster on my back, and especially while at grad school in San Francisco when the pressure was high and the competition extremely fierce. It burned me out a little bit. A lot bit.

Since the beginning of graduate school, fear was my constant companion. I had never been scared to play the oboe like I was when I was a masters student- I had never felt anything but enjoyment and pure happiness while playing. To cope with things I did use beta blockers for many performances and auditions, and in the process I lost a lot of myself as an oboe player.

In the past months I have been working to overcome my anxiety, realizing that it is present in my daily life- not just my musical life. It is definitely becoming more manageable and as I learn how to overcome it, I have moved away from the use of any type of prescription aides. So this performance was a milestone for me. It was great to be totally present in the performance, it was great to look forward to and to love playing again.

I definitely don't look down on anyone who use propanalol or any other drugs to aide them in their work, it isn't a sign of weakness -we lead stressful lives. However, it has been very liberating for me to realize that my best oboe self works better and is more happy without them.